Fall is here along with the lovely quotes that remind us of its power to show beauty in dying, magnificence in letting go, colors in endings.
But what about when the color doesn’t come?
This fall seems to be more brown than anything else. The weather this summer was certainly erratic enough to cause a loss of fall charm, and isn’t that how seasons go?
One season’s hard steals the joy from the next.
I feel this with trauma, the … continue reading
(For a more comprehensive look at my journey in 2018, see my blog post The Weight of What Happened)
Hey, five-years-ago-me,
It’s springtime again, the season of memories again, flowers blooming and sun warming and PTSD knocking again.
Like every year since, I wouldn’t need a calendar to know what time of year it is. This body of ours still reminds me, feeling the memories without even trigger, breath spontaneously shallow, thoughts swirling with potential catastrophes.
I am so … continue reading
It’s a strange thing to come back home.
For half of my life I grew up here, it was all I knew, all I’d known, and then the second half I spent in so many places.
Until God brought me back here, back to that same town as that first church, and the area that held so many memories. And so many questions.
And it’s a strange thing, to come back and it be so different, and me be … continue reading
I thought leaving that church would be the end of it.
I left for college with naïve confidence. Being out on my own, making my own choices, this meant I was going to get church right, and church was going to be right, be what it was supposed to be in my life.
And yet a few months ago and just as many years as I spent in that first church later, I found myself triggered in pews and more … continue reading
This is where it all started.
That first church, that welcomed me as a newborn in the nursery here. Then into kids’ classes.
Baptized here, youth group here, a pianist here.
My mom the secretary, my dad head deacon, and oh so many days spent here.
Fervent prayers. Deep friendships. Beautiful music.
And the first several years of my life that was all I knew here. Or at least all I remember. The best of playing with friends, the joy … continue reading
There was a time during my first miscarriage that I felt everything crashing, salt in wounds everywhere, and then my kitchen literally crashed with the plumbing bursting, dishwasher falling out, and kitchen drawer breaking simultaneously, one kitchen the picture of my world. I laid on the kitchen floor and yelled at God: Isn’t it enough Lord? Have you not hurt me enough?
There was another time on our adoption journey, that evil seemed to be winning, and we were told … continue reading
How does a writer,
Pick up her pen,
When the weight just gets heavier,
The dark have no end.
The lists that are made,
Dawn journaled with sigh,
Of all the burdens weighing,
Then more added by night.
Pouring out prayers,
It’s too much Lord, see?
This is why I feel faint,
And my heart begs to breathe.
The day brings pain’s increase,
The broken break more,
The well stumble over,
The stable lay gored.
My own mind and heart,… continue reading
There’s a plant hanging from our front porch- a plant, if you can call it that. To anyone else, it looks more like death, decay, forgetfulness, neglect. But while we may not be the most green-thumb-worthy folks in town, this is not actually a case of more foliage-ignoring. It’s a case of life.
What you can’t see when you see all the brown dryness, is the nest snuggled inside, the mama who guards it, the new life hatching.
Every time … continue reading
There’s just something about loss anniversaries that’s inexplicably hard. And it’s grief, yes, but it’s something more than that, something about being in the same spot of the cosmos that you were when things happened. There’s a heavy darkness that comes, that you know isn’t just the sadness in your heart but it’s the wound in your spirit being pressed.
A couple Sundays ago, it was the anniversary of when we took the first pregnancy test that would end … continue reading