Category: suffering

When Fall Isn’t Pretty

Fall is here along with the lovely quotes that remind us of its power to show beauty in dying, magnificence in letting go, colors in endings.

But what about when the color doesn’t come?

This fall seems to be more brown than anything else. The weather this summer was certainly erratic enough to cause a loss of fall charm, and isn’t that how seasons go? 

One season’s hard steals the joy from the next.

I feel this with trauma, the … continue reading

Crying out to the Pain Mender, Planet-Keeper

I wonder if they were going to look at the planets.

We set up the telescope, peering towards the western sky, having anticipated the sight of Mercury, Jupiter, Venus, Uranus, and Mars. Lined up near the moon, a stunning display.

I had wanted to feel small. Wanted the kids to feel small, because only in our smallness can we forget ourselves, feel wonder, welcome joy and peace.

We’ve been planning it, looking forward to this, and I wonder if … continue reading

Winter in Spring

Four years ago, spring had blossomed and Easter had been celebrated and then winter came.

That most beautiful time of seasons, little did I know, it was the end of beauty for a while, the ushering of a new beautiful season that would not be.

Spring was cut short in my life, the bitterest of my coldest seasons yet came instead, and I think I’ve always been a bit cynical of spring since.

By the time spring comes, I’m beyond … continue reading

And Winter

I’m the one standing on tiptoe staring ahead into spring.

It’s been winter, and another winter season in more ways than one. It’s our first time living in a northern winter in 15 years. I’m tired of this season, tired of the cold, the dry, the hard, and my weariness is pricked by the forecast and life circumstances.

“Your life is going to be like a snow globe”, wise words from gentle friends warning of this next season we would … continue reading

On Christmas in Chaos: Reminders for the Broken this Season.

There was a time during my first miscarriage that I felt everything crashing, salt in wounds everywhere, and then my kitchen literally crashed with the plumbing bursting, dishwasher falling out, and kitchen drawer breaking simultaneously, one kitchen the picture of my world. I laid on the kitchen floor and yelled at God: Isn’t it enough Lord? Have you not hurt me enough?

There was another time on our adoption journey, that evil seemed to be winning, and we were told … continue reading

When The Trees Die Well

We cross the state border, drive hours away, and are hit by beauty.

Golden yellows, deep reds, bright orange, pops of still fresh green. The hills rolled with color. It took my breathe away, filled my heart, and yet made me simultaneously sad. A sadness that rose from the lack of autumn scenery in our own area. A sadness of discontent, with the fall around my home that was brown and blah.

Why weren’t our trees dying as well as continue reading

When Life in the Dead Places Die: Sitting in the Unhappy Endings

The dying leaves wrapped up secret life, and hidden whispers of newness was coddled in the barren land. I wrote about the concealed beauty here, the imagery here, grasping the gift of tangible hope. Dead leaves but new chicks, and blossoms in bloom that would wither too soon.

Weeks later, I arrived home from being days gone solo, spirit-rested and self-refueled, and the kids greeted me with hugs and laughter and glee. We chatted and caught up, and then … continue reading

Life in the Dead Places: Seeing Through the Dark

There’s a plant hanging from our front porch- a plant, if you can call it that. To anyone else, it looks more like death, decay, forgetfulness, neglect. But while we may not be the most green-thumb-worthy folks in town, this is not actually a case of more foliage-ignoring. It’s a case of life.

What you can’t see when you see all the brown dryness, is the nest snuggled inside, the mama who guards it, the new life hatching.

Every time … continue reading

Naomi’s Pain and Mother’s Day Grief: Hope for the Bitter Seasons

I was so honored to share a devotional this morning at my church at Freedom Church Baltimore. I wanted to share it here as well, as it speaks to hope in the hurting places of our life. The video can be found here, where I begin at around minute 21; and below is the transcript:

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Good morning Freedom Church!

When Pastor Jeremy so graciously asked if I would consider doing a devotional today, he asked me to … continue reading

The God Who Sings Again

I knew it would be a hard winter. It didn’t disappoint. The depression weighed heavy, the cold numbed, the bitter dry season felt never-ending.

I knew it would be hard. But I didn’t expect the first tastes of spring to be so hard too.

March started and hope got in line, and I thought, oh good, now it will get better, now the gloom breaks, now the load lifts. And maybe it’s because I expected it, maybe it’s because … continue reading