I thought leaving that church would be the end of it.
I left for college with naïve confidence. Being out on my own, making my own choices, this meant I was going to get church right, and church was going to be right, be what it was supposed to be in my life.
And yet a few months ago and just as many years as I spent in that first church later, I found myself triggered in pews and more … continue reading
This is where it all started.
That first church, that welcomed me as a newborn in the nursery here. Then into kids’ classes.
Baptized here, youth group here, a pianist here.
My mom the secretary, my dad head deacon, and oh so many days spent here.
Fervent prayers. Deep friendships. Beautiful music.
And the first several years of my life that was all I knew here. Or at least all I remember. The best of playing with friends, the joy … continue reading
Four years ago, spring had blossomed and Easter had been celebrated and then winter came.
That most beautiful time of seasons, little did I know, it was the end of beauty for a while, the ushering of a new beautiful season that would not be.
Spring was cut short in my life, the bitterest of my coldest seasons yet came instead, and I think I’ve always been a bit cynical of spring since.
By the time spring comes, I’m beyond … continue reading
I’m the one standing on tiptoe staring ahead into spring.
It’s been winter, and another winter season in more ways than one. It’s our first time living in a northern winter in 15 years. I’m tired of this season, tired of the cold, the dry, the hard, and my weariness is pricked by the forecast and life circumstances.
“Your life is going to be like a snow globe”, wise words from gentle friends warning of this next season we would … continue reading
There was a time during my first miscarriage that I felt everything crashing, salt in wounds everywhere, and then my kitchen literally crashed with the plumbing bursting, dishwasher falling out, and kitchen drawer breaking simultaneously, one kitchen the picture of my world. I laid on the kitchen floor and yelled at God: Isn’t it enough Lord? Have you not hurt me enough?
There was another time on our adoption journey, that evil seemed to be winning, and we were told … continue reading
We cross the state border, drive hours away, and are hit by beauty.
Golden yellows, deep reds, bright orange, pops of still fresh green. The hills rolled with color. It took my breathe away, filled my heart, and yet made me simultaneously sad. A sadness that rose from the lack of autumn scenery in our own area. A sadness of discontent, with the fall around my home that was brown and blah.
Why weren’t our trees dying as well as … continue reading
How does a writer,
Pick up her pen,
When the weight just gets heavier,
The dark have no end.
The lists that are made,
Dawn journaled with sigh,
Of all the burdens weighing,
Then more added by night.
Pouring out prayers,
It’s too much Lord, see?
This is why I feel faint,
And my heart begs to breathe.
The day brings pain’s increase,
The broken break more,
The well stumble over,
The stable lay gored.
My own mind and heart,… continue reading
The dying leaves wrapped up secret life, and hidden whispers of newness was coddled in the barren land. I wrote about the concealed beauty here, the imagery here, grasping the gift of tangible hope. Dead leaves but new chicks, and blossoms in bloom that would wither too soon.
Weeks later, I arrived home from being days gone solo, spirit-rested and self-refueled, and the kids greeted me with hugs and laughter and glee. We chatted and caught up, and then … continue reading
There’s a plant hanging from our front porch- a plant, if you can call it that. To anyone else, it looks more like death, decay, forgetfulness, neglect. But while we may not be the most green-thumb-worthy folks in town, this is not actually a case of more foliage-ignoring. It’s a case of life.
What you can’t see when you see all the brown dryness, is the nest snuggled inside, the mama who guards it, the new life hatching.
Every time … continue reading
When my husband called to tell me the adoption worker had lost the file, before I heard him say those words, I thought he was calling to tell me it had been filed with the court. The adoption worker was supposed to be taking it to court that morning- D.S.S’s last step- and the the court date should then truly come soon. We were in the home stretch, but then as I heard him say those words- that … continue reading