I remember sitting in the service on Sanctity of Life Sunday, expecting the usual pro-life lectures, anti-abortion stances, but what came next surprised me.
Because in that Sanctity of Life series the topics were on foster care and miscarriage.
And I still feel just about as stunned now at remembering it as I did then sitting there hearing it for the first time.
What kind of church takes the podium on Sanctity of Life Sunday and leaves the opportunity to speak against abortion, and instead speaks for the orphaned and homeless and miscarried?
A holistically pro-life church, that’s the kind.
A church whose radar for the sanctity of life is so strong, so deep and wide, that life is seen and valued and cared for across the spectrum. A consistent, committed church who hears the call of esteeming all lives and the cries of all unborn losses.
I wish the merit of the miscarried were always so recognized. But I, along with far too many who have miscarried, have run right into that wall of strange juxtaposition, when you with your bleeding, life-losing womb find that in a pro-life world your little one is not always recognized as a life.
And it makes no sense, and I’ve written about it before, written about it from the perspective of one who miscarried the day of the March for Life, the day they all declared the endless reasons that at just a few weeks a baby is in you; but when they preach it at someone, they can believe it, but when they have to enter someone’s grief in it, they can deny it.
And I’m not going to write here, the list I could make, the ways too many denied the value of the babies we lost, denied the personhood of their lives, denied the validity of the missing. I’m not going to write here the list of the experiences of the friends I know, who have been hurt as well, hurt by a pro-life community that failed them, failed to stand with them, and failed to practice what they’ve preached for so long. I still ask the question I’ve asked before: “How is it that an aborted baby is treated as more human than a miscarried one within the bounds of pro-life circles?” I’ve asked the question, but one statement is sure: those who miscarry should not have to explain or defend their grief to those who claim to be pro-life. We need to change. Our churches, our communities, our pro-life voices have got to change to stand by the family going through miscarriages in a way that is truly pro-life.
How do we hold hands out to the miscarrying in a way that says our hearts will help hold your hurt?
So instead, the list I’ll share here is one of ways to help those going through such a loss. And praise God, it’s a list I’ve learned from the sweet experience of receiving or knowing others who have received such truly pro-life support. There are no words to express the balm loving community was through our losses.
How do we hold hands out to the miscarrying in a way that says our hearts will help hold your hurt? That says I’ll walk this jarring journey with you, because your grief is valid and your grief is shared and your baby was a life lost ? Here are 20 ways to do just that:
- Provide meals: Whether just choosing to take a meal yourself or setting up a meal train, meal provision is an enormous help. Often when a loved one is lost, the family is provided with meals. Often when someone goes through physical suffering, the family is provided meals. When one miscarries, both of these hardships are experienced simultaneously. The loss of a loved one cuts through their hearts as they lose their baby, and the physical pain cuts through the mother’s body as labor pains without any healing joy come. The entire physical process of a miscarriage is so difficult, and can continue on for so long. Between the grief and the need for physical rest and recovery, cooking and cleaning up a kitchen are often quite challenging. Having meals provided is a great way to show support to someone going through a miscarriage!
- Provide housework: For the same reasons, help around the house is a great gift. With our second miscarriage I was on a lot of physical restrictions. I can’t tell you how much it meant to have people come do laundry, wash floors, and clean bathrooms! It was a very humbling experience, and I still remember being laid out on the couch feeling unbelievably cared for while people cleaned.
- Provide childcare: We had two small children when we went through our miscarriages, and I am so grateful for all the friends who loved on our children and took care of them so many times, through full days and full nights even, through our losses. Several times during our second miscarriage, it was urgent, emergency needs that meant people dropped what they were doing and stayed with our children. Whether is was due to all the planned doctor’s appointments, my being hospitalized, or so that Jason and I could grieve together, childcare was one of the most impactful ways our community loved us.
- Do research on their grief: One of the added burdens of suffering is when you have to explain your grief to others. This is true for many different kinds of suffering, and it’s true often for one who is miscarrying. When someone is drowning in sorrow, it is very difficult to have to explain to other people why you need a lifeboat. Whatever suffering someone is going through, try to learn about it from another platform so that you can better love and help them. And for general help on standing by someone grieving, Nancy Guthrie wrote a great book called “What Grieving People Wish You Knew About What Really Helps (And What Really Hurts)“.
- Provide cash for parking: Often hospitals (like ours) have parking fees. And when you’re staying there day and night and day and… well, you get the point. Helping out with parking fees is a great gift!
- Drop off groceries: One of my friends regularly reached out about grocery needs and it was an incredible blessing. One time when she texted, I was stuck at yet another doctor’s appointment and knew I was running out of time to get groceries that day in the window of time I had. She texted literally while I was sitting in the doctor’s office worried about the groceries I wasn’t going to be able to get. And when she brought groceries to the house, she consistently went above and beyond by refusing to take my payment and by getting more than I ever put on the list. Those grocery drop offs were a desperately needed reminder of how held and taken care of we were.
- Run errands: For all of the reasons already explained, running errands is a huge help. Whatever is on the around-town-to-do list, see if there’s something you can help with.
- Drop off a care package: Being gifted with a variety of household items, snacks, and various staples was a real treasure and uplifting surprise. It was something the kids would delight in too, and it encouraged me to see their joy at the gifts.
- Send flowers: Having flowers or plants delivered is a very tangible way to recognize one’s loss and show that their bereavement is just as seen as anyone else’s. Flowers have been very meaningful to us as we remember our lost babies with them still.
- Text to check in and send Scripture: One friend of mine was a great encourager through the Scriptures she would text me. It deeply helped and was often divinely timed with what I needed to hear. Some of the best texts I received ended with a message for me to feel no need to reply, they just wanted me to know they were thinking of me and praying for me. That was a huge gift, to not need to feel the pressure to keep up on texts or reply to them all with the limited energy I had. So text someone your thoughts, prayers, verses, and words of encouragement, and let them know they don’t need to reply!
- Use their baby’s name: If the family has named the baby, one of the most loving things you can do is to remember and use the baby’s name. This shows your recognition of personhood and value for the little one gone.
- Remember important dates: Whether it’s the baby’s “heaven day” or “Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day”, there are key dates that the family will likely remember and especially grieve. My sister-in-law has been very conscientious of our babies’ “Discovered You” days and heaven days, as she has intentionally written them down and reaches out to me specifically around and on those dates. We’ve had friends across the world send us their candle pictures on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Having others join us in remembering our babies by remembering these dates has been a very powerful way to feel our community grieve with us and honor our little ones.
- Attend memorials and funerals: If you know someone who chooses to have a memorial service or funeral, don’t question it or feel perplexed. Remembering the baby’s personhood should help clear any confusion over this choice, so stand in solidarity with the grieving family at such a sacred time.
- Listen: It’s really quite that simple. Listen to the hard, listen to the ache, listen to the stories. Hear the dreams shattered and hearts hurting and be there with your ears open and mouth quiet. A listening ear is a priceless gift when one is suffering.
- Weep with those who weep: As you serve and as you listen, allow yourself to cry. Some of the times I felt the most understood and held was when one wept for and with me. Romans 12:15 is a critical command to the community of the sufferer.
- Send cards: This might sound so trite and simple, but cards really were incredibly encouraging. Especially when the mail starts filling up with medical bills from the miscarriage procedures, getting cards of comfort was a blessing. And I was able to save the cards we got in our “baby boxes” which was a true gift to have something tangible to hold onto to remember them with.
- Send special gifts: Along with that, we have been extremely blessed with many gifts that help us remember and cherish our babies. From necklaces to blankets, plaques to paintings, these gifts have all been beautiful ways to remember our little ones and continue to feel our community support us.
- Pray: Pray, pray, pray!! This is such an important step to take, and I can’t tell you how desperately I coveted people’s prayers. One of the best was when people would pray with me. When they came to clean or drop off a meal and they would sit with me and pray over me- oh, the strengthening that that brought! What a tremendous gift it is to be prayed for.
- Be a Marathon friend: One of my dearest friends was a “Marathon friend” through our suffering. Our agony went on for months, and so did she! She never relented in checking on us, watching our kids, bringing meals (again and again!), cleaning our house, listening to my heart, and praying for us. She is still such a support to this day as she is our certified back-up for our foster daughter. It is hard to keep helping people and then keep helping some more and more, but oh how the sufferer needs it!
- Whatever you do, don’t do nothing: I get it, I do- you’re worried you might say or do the wrong thing. And guess what, you might! But there is nothing so painful as silence and absence. Take the risk of blundering in your help or your words, knowing that retreat and withdrawal would be so much more hurtful.
Miscarriage is something that we are still getting used to sharing with others, and I believe for too many the silence has been caused by the lack of support when the news has been shared. But as we take these steps of community and help, the conversation will continue to open and grow. We then are blessed to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and to be truly pro-life.
And really, when it comes to knowing how to help someone who’s going through a miscarriage, it’s not that complicated. You just need to recognize that their baby died. Then really, we all do know what to do.
May God be with you as you go and serve the hurting, and reflect the sanctity of the miscarried life!