I thought leaving that church would be the end of it.
I left for college with naïve confidence. Being out on my own, making my own choices, this meant I was going to get church right, and church was going to be right, be what it was supposed to be in my life.
And yet a few months ago and just as many years as I spent in that first church later, I found myself triggered in pews and more confused than ever.
I look back over these last eighteen years and see such a rollercoaster with the church.
Beginning with a fundamental Bible college that gave me a very limited list of approved churches I could attend, that cultivated more fence-building culture, more better-than culture, and that I often felt less-than in. While there was no great scandal at this Bible college in my experience, there was a daily grating of extreme rules without relationships and punishments without conversation.
It felt cruel, the requirements they would hold you to and the standards that felt unattainable. And while, no, this wasn’t a church, it was another Christian institution that represented Christianity to me in an unhealthy way and one that educated me formally on the church. And it was the one that gave me the parameters of what churches I could have fellowship with.
At one point, they removed one of those churches from their list. Because it dropped the word “Baptist” in its name- not even from its affiliation. Just from its title. And so students and teachers alike had to choose between fellowship with their church or their careers and educations.
In my third year, I transferred to a secular college. A few things went into this decision, but overall I could not keep trying to fit into a Christian culture that made me feel so unknown and yet never good enough.
And I look back over eighteen years at my experiences with the local church and see the ups and downs, the rollercoaster continue.
I could not keep trying to fit into a Christian culture that made me feel so unknown and yet never good enough.
Breaking free from legalism and entering sanctuaries where grey areas would be allowed to differ on.
But working as a church secretary for a pastor who had me lie for him to congregants.
Joining churches with humble leaders and solid discipleship.
But moving too soon to get established.
I’ve known congregants to drive out loving leaders.
And leaders who spiritually abused congregants.
Churches with amazing inner city ministries.
And pastors who refused to baptize believing youth.
Churches with servant leadership and gracious ministries.
And those who used redemption as a weapon to replace repentance.
I’ve seen church discipline used on congregants. And passed over on leaders.
I’ve experienced fellowship and community in some churches while being ignored and cut off in others.
I know confusion from having the pastor who did our marriage counseling divorce his wife.
I’ve seen legalism and an unhealthy hold of rules. And I’ve seen a lackadaisical disregard for the sacraments.
I know the joy of authentic corporate worship. And what questions can’t be asked.
I know what it’s like to gain the dearest of friends in the church. And to see those closest to me wounded by it.
To be mentored and pointed to Christ by older, faithful disciples. And to need to come alongside some of those closest to me who were crushed by the aggressive anger and cutting pride of those who claim to be shepherds.
I know what it’s like to be told by church leaders that there would be a third party investigation that was neither of those things.
To invite people to my church in seasons and not feel able to in others.
The church has carried my pain at times. Caused it at others. And completely ignored it too often.
And of all the Bible training that college did give me, all of the church ministry preparation, I didn’t expect church to be the place where I would need to learn about abuse of power, or cause me to research narcissism.
I know what it’s like to want to go to church, and to flinch at the mere thought of it. To love the church, and to weep for it. To be held by the church, and spiritually harmed by it.
To have to choose between alignment with poor character or serving in ministry.
I’ve been in a lot of churches. And yet after decades in it, I felt I understood it less than ever.
And I’ve wrestled with that question: Have I ever really been to church?
And Jesus has answered with Himself.